


Where the Hell am I?

by SomebodyLost



Category: NieR: Automata (Video Game), Ranma 1/2
Genre: Crack Crossover, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-05
Updated: 2017-09-05
Packaged: 2018-12-24 06:02:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12006585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomebodyLost/pseuds/SomebodyLost
Summary: A mysterious, teleporting unit is running amok. 2B and 9S investigate. [CRACK]





	Where the Hell am I?

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted in the Spacebattles Forum _Glory to Mankind! Drakengard, NiER, NiER: Automata [F]anfic Discussion Thread_. Google and look through it! There's a minefield of NieR: Automata fanfics there that aren't seen anywhere else. :)
> 
> The fic is inspired by the slew of 'what if X Character ends up in the Taro verse' fanfics in the forum. It has no solid idea to go on, and it's xover and crack; I made very loose deliberations with the source materials. 
> 
> I invoke **_MST3K Mantra_** or **_Bellisario’s Maxim_** on TV Tropes, so don't expect anything deep. Just read and enjoy! :D

When they first heard of the mysterious being, they didn’t really think much of it.

“Teehee! He fell down the water! And when he came out he was a black thing!” the YorHa android giggled.

“A black thing?” 9S asked, mentally debating if it was worth asking someone obviously out of her mind.

“A small, black, squealing thing! He was so fast and colors are aaaaaall swaying so I couldn’t run after him, but heehee, it was sooooo cute and funny!” the android slumped on the sand babbled, waving her arms in emphasis.

Beside 9S, 2B frowned, glancing at the empty containers of E-Drug scattered on the ground. “They’re abusing it.”

9S turned to his partner. “Should we look into this, 2B?”

“There’s not much to go on,” 2B replied.

“You’re right,” 9S stepped back when the android on the ground started using her legs in her storytelling. “Maybe it’s just their imagination.”

————————————  
They didn't really made the connection with the second set of information until later.

"Thank you for taking your time to help the villagers," Pascal greeted them as they returned. “But I’m afraid something urgent just came up that might be of interest to you.”

“What is it?” 2B asked. Beside her, 9S muttered about "more damn errands".

Whether he heard the complaint or not, Pascal continued pleasantly. “It's about a android who appeared here just hours ago, right after you left, and it seems he’s in dire need of maintenance.”

“What do you mean?”

“His GPS seems to be damaged as he said that he was lost. And I can’t get any IFF signals from him. And perhaps his cognitive circuits is affected as well?" Pascal spread his metallic arms in a human gesture of _'I don't know'_. "I mean no disrespect, but he was, well, rambling about revenge and wanting to catch and finally eat real fish.”

9S spoke up this time. “Real fish? Android bodies can’t process biological tissue of living creatures. That’s dangerous.” But oh-so delectable, especially mackerel.

21O and the Commander had not been happy that he died because of his curiosity.

But none of that compared to the silent stare 2B had levelled at him when he went back online. Even though her gaze was covered with a visor, her tangible disappointment had easily dwarfed any tongue-lashing 9S heard in his life.

“Hence, my concern,” Pascal continued, bringing 9S out of his mackerel-induced dreams (nightmares). "He'll be difficult to find since he didn't show on our radars; even the android couple couldn't get a read on him. And despite our warnings and his damaged circuits, he's quite determined to go out there and fight someone."

"Who?"

"I don't know. I was leading him to the other androids down the ladder when he suddenly stopped talking. When I turned around he was gone."

"Just like that?"

"Yes. What's baffling is that none of other villagers noticed how he disappeared."

"What about the android he wanted to fight?" Then, as the thought just occurred to 9S, "Did you get his name? Both of their names?"

“I didn't get his own name since he was quite impassioned in his rage. As for his target, I also didn't get his name, but plenty of confusing information. As it follows, the man he wanted to kill was his rival, the bane of his existence, and that he had, and I quote, 'four fiancés for fifty years yet he still couldn't make up his mind'. And that he turns into a... girl?" Pascal shrugged helplessly. "It’s a good thing he didn’t harm the villagers though.”

9S nodded, more out of affirming that he was listening than any real concern about the machines. “That's just really... weird. Anything else?”

"His most noticeable traits is his black hair, fanged teeth, a yellow clothing around his head speckled with black patterns, a massive bag on his back, and an umbrella, I believe. That’s all I can say. You can ask the other villagers, but he could be in danger right in this moment.”

“Right.”

Before they can move a step away from Pascal, a transmission cut in.

“2B, 9S! This is Anemone, and the Resistance Camp is being — _WHAT?!_ ”

————————————  
2B and 9S stared at the floating screen showing the Resistance leader, then at the massive hole in the middle of the city ruins that was definitely Not There the last time they checked.

“So you’re saying that this... thing, being, whatever, caused this massive sinkhole?” 9S finally asked, slowly.

“No,” Anemone paused, trying and failing to put to words the sight she saw, “the sinkhole was caused by the Engels that crashed, because that being threw boulders at them."

“What.” That came from 2B. Of course, she would know how difficult it was to fight a goliath-class. But with this ease…? And disabling all three at the same time?

9S continued despite his partner's tangible incredulity. "Can you describe him? "

"Right. He has black hair, a yellow bandanna that has some spots, and he has a large backpack and an umbrella."

"That’s… uncanny." Behind his visor, 9S' eyes were wide open while his circuits jumped to overdrive. "Pascal was just describing someone like that to us."

"What did he say?"

9S told her. Anemone nodded slowly. “He did vanish immediately. I don’t know how he managed to vanish behind a couple of boulders when we were all staring at him, but when he walked behind those rocks he didn’t show up on the other side.”

“Once he went out of your line of sight, he's gone?" 9S clarified.

Anemone nodded.

"Teleportation?” Thoughts of the naked humanoid machine in the desert surfaced. "Do you think it’s a machine? Or a new type of android?”

“I’m not sure. If it’s a machine, I don’t know why he’s fighting them — or if there will be more like him," Anemone paused at the sobering thought before continuing, "but if it’s a new model, there would’ve been word among the Resistance. Besides, wouldn't you be the first to be informed? YorHa is closer to the higher ups than the Resistance." Anemone shrugged. "Or maybe it’s a prototype, so there’s no news yet.”

“Interesting. Very, very interesting.” 9S rubbed his chin.

2B shot him an indecipherable look. "Don't get too ahead of yourself, 9S. Caution would be wise with this powerful unknown."

Before he could reply, a new transmission, this time from the Commander, patched through.

————————————  
"Do you think that he's related to the issue of the dead aliens?"

2B glanced back to her partner as they ran through the forest, right after asking Pascal about the extraterrestrials. "Who's he?"

"The mysterious unit who can take out three goliath-class machines and teleport!" 9S' voice was positively filled with excitement. Despite the grave warning of the Commander not to engage a potentially dangerous enemy, 9S' curiosity can not be contained.

"Maybe," was 2B's curt reply.

9S pouted, but his curiosity was generally undeterred, even as a cadre of hostiles charged towards them.

After a few minutes, they resumed their run before shortly reaching the fallen tree trunk that barred the way to their destination. A few jumps and they were at the top, overlooking a small sanctuary that belonged to their client.

Said client had its back turned, attention engrossed towards a new, rattling cage in front of the fences. At the sound of their boots landing back on the forest floor, it turned towards them.

"HELLO. DID YOU BRING THE ME-DI-CINE?" greeted the Animal-Loving Machine, ignoring the noises behind it.

"Yeah. Why is it caged?" asked 9S gesturing to the new addition as he handed the medicine. At his voice, the noise stopped.

9S couldn't be faulted for asking; even though it was obviously a cage with an animal in it, the animal inside it was chained like a cocoon. The only things visible are it's head and some yellow clothing that peeked from its neck.

From what they've gathered, their client was a particular machine that loved animals to the point that it'll prioritise animal life than its own kind. The fact that the small, black piglet was tied like a miserable prisoner ran contradictory to that notion.

The Animal-Loving Machine replied, "HE IS INJURED. YET HE STILL WANTS TO GO OUT THERE."

"Isn't this too much?" 9S asked.

The piglet squealed, as if in affirmation.

"NO. IN FACT, I THINK I'LL NEED REPLACEMENTS SOON. HE'S QUITE STRONG IN HIS OTHER FORM."

9S and 2B blinked as the piglet squealed in something like a curse.

"What do you mean?" 9S asked.

The Animal-Machine pointed at the animal seemingly emanating promised death. "HE CHANGES FORMS. THERE ARE NO OLD WORLD INFORMATION I COULD FIND ABOUT THIS. HIS SPECIES IS CONFUSING."

"What do you mean? Isn't he a pig?"

"NO, NO. HE SAID THAT THAT IS HIS CURSED FORM."

9S blinked. "Cursed?"

"HE SAID HE’S HUMAN," the machine shrugged. "HE’S WARM, YES, BUT I’M NOT SO SURE. HUMANS DON’T CHANGE SHAPES OR SPECIES AT WHIM, RIGHT?"

"…what?"

"I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT. IT'S BETTER TO SHOW YOU." The machine promptly walked to its shelter and began looking for something.

9S stepped closer to the chained animal staring at him. It was so small, and it felt wrong to see a — he guessed — child trussed up like a hanging basket. It reminded him of the fishes he had caught as his Pod dangled his catch; at his mercy, helpless to flop in the air.

"Where are its parents?" 9S asked aloud. His gaze wandered to the fences behind the cage and belatedly realized that the usual animals weren't there. A movement beyond caught his attention; a quick zoom with his optics and visor and he can see the animals huddled by the far wall, quivering.

"HE SAID THAT THEY ARE ALSO LOST. HE HASN'T SEEN THEM IN YEARS," came the reply from inside the hut.

"Huh," 9S remarked, for lack of a better word. Machines couldn't interface with animals directly and yet this animal apparently told him so. "How did you find him?"

"HE JUST APPEARED ONE DAY," the Animal-Loving Machine replied as it appeared as well, now carrying a steaming pail. "THEN HE DISAPPEARED THE MOMENT I TURNED MY BACK."

The whole situation was becoming more absurd. "Appeared? Just like that?"

And it sounded way too suspicious like that mysterious unit...

"MAYBE? HE _IS_ ORGANIC AND SMALL — AT LEAST NOW — SO MY SENSORS PROBABLY JUST DIDN'T PICK HIM UP AT MOST TIMES. ALTHOUGH, I DON'T KNOW HOW HE'S STILL UNTRACEABLE EVEN IN HIS OTHER FORM." The machine walked back to his spot before, its claw-like hands grasping the pail carefully.

9S peered down. "Hot water?" From the corner of his eye, his noted that the piglet was eyeing the pail intensely. _Why do I get the feeling that we're going to regret this?_

"YES," then the machine paused. "Please don't kill me," it asked meekly, it's query directed to the animal, to the androids' surprise.

Then with a noticeable hesitance, the Animal-Loving Machine threw the scalding hot water towards the small animal.

Then the piglet, to 9S and 2B's astonishment, became humanoid, and all hell broke loose.

"I'LL KILL YOU!"

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, without cheating, who can guess the mysterious unit? It's pretty easy. :D


End file.
